Its A Fanfic, period
by Potato-Princess
Summary: YES, IT IS NOW UPDATED! SAME STUPIDITY, SAME LACK OF PLOT AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT THAT YOU HAVE COME TO TRUST FROM THE POTATO PRINCESS! The characters of Les Mis are revived only to find that they must now live as...teenagers? Pure stupidity guranteed.
1. NOOOOO!

Disclaimer: Okay folks, you know the drill. I don't own any copyrighted material that appears in the fanfic. Like so many other authors, I wish I do but the fact remains that I don't. So don't sue me. (You wouldn't get much anyway, trust me on this. Unless you happen to really like potatoes.)  
  
In the beginning there was AN AUTHOR.  
  
And THIS AUTHOR happened to view Les Miserables.  
  
After pronouncing it good, THE AUTHOR decided to write A FANFIC.  
  
And there was much rejoicing by THE AUTHOR.  
  
It goes without saying that there was not much rejoicing by the cast of this fanfic.  
  
And so it began.  
  
Valjean: .  
  
Javert: .  
  
Enjorlas: .  
  
OH, said THE AUTHOR, IT SEEMS I FORGOT THAT EVERYONE IS DEAD. MY GOOF.  
  
And using her magic AUTHOR powers, THE AUTHOR restored everyone to life. Of course, THE AUTHOR was about as good as doing magic as she was at writing, so she um, well.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "Hey, I'm alive agai-AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
THE AUTHOR felt that she could not exactly capture the next few minutes of her story and keep a PG13 rating, so she apologizes and hopes you will excuse her for skipping to the part with appropriate coherent dialogue.  
  
Eponine: Well, its not so bad. At least I haven't changed much.  
  
Cossette: And I don't see why you people would be upset. It's a good thing!  
  
Javert: Define the word "good."  
  
Cossette: good \gu'd\ 1. Of profit or benefit. Advantageous.  
  
Gavroche: Hey! I'm older! I bet I can sneak into bars now!  
  
Javert: And I could arrest you.  
  
Cossette: Of favorable character or tendency..  
  
Gavroche: I doubt they would let a teenager be an Inspector!  
  
Yes, it was true. For the entire cast of Les Mis had in fact been turned into a bunch of hormonally imbalanced and over-emotional young adults. For the Les Amis de ABC, it was nothing. The biggest shock was to Javert and Valjean.  
  
Cossette: Wow Daddy! You were actually young once!  
  
Valjean: *grumble.  
  
As we all know, teenagers are not the most responsible of creatures, so THE AUTHOR decided that they needed to be put somewhere where they couldn't get into too much trouble. And hey, this was pretty darn good material for a fanfic. So, to shorten this boring intro, THE AUTHOR plopped the whole cast into a secluded mansion somewhere in the Rocky Mountains.  
  
Javert: I demand to be taken out of this fanfic. Or at least returned to a normal age.  
  
THE AUTHOR: ARE YOU HINTING THAT SEVENTEEN IS NOT A NORMAL AGE?  
  
Javert: No, I was just saying that-  
  
THE AUTHOR: I WANT YOU ALL TO GIVE ME MATERIAL FOR A FANFIC! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE FREED FROM YOUR ATTRACTIVE TEENAGE BODIES!  
  
Javert: But-  
  
. : ONLY THEN! *voice fades ONLY Then.  
  
The cast was left, stranded in the mansion. Fortunately, THE AUTHOR instilled in their brains the knowledge of using modern day appliances. As funny as it might have been, she really didn't want to have them figure out on their own how to use a toilet.  
  
Enjorlas: I say we rebel against THE AUTHOR!  
  
Jehan: But we're stuck in this mansion! It sure isn't good I wish she didn't make me talk in rhyme But she thought I should!  
  
Feuilly: We don't even know where she is!  
  
Enjorlas: She must be stationed somewhere in this house! My friends, come with me to help stamp out oppression! Down with THE AUTHOR! Down with cheesy Les Mis fanfics!  
  
All the Les Amis follow Enjorlas, except for Joly, who is currently passed out on the floor.  
  
Joly: Heart.failing.shock to.system.help.somebody.  
  
Fantine: Cossette!  
  
Cossette: Pleasurable.bringing delight.oh, who are you?  
  
Fantine: Cossette, *dramatic pause. I am your Mother!  
  
Cossette: NOOO! I mean, really?  
  
Fantine: Didn't Monseiur Madeline tell you about me?  
  
Cossette: Not really.  
  
Fantine: Why, you-  
Fantine picks up a lamp and whacks Valjean over the head with it. She stomps off, crying, muttering something about needing Mydol and how she hates Valjean. Cossette runs after her. Marius runs after Cossette. Eponine runs after Marius.  
  
Javert: That wasn't very civil of you.  
  
Valjean: Its obviously that time of the month. She'll be fine in a few days. For now, we can only hope that the cupboard is stocked full of chocolate, tissues, and Mydol.  
  
Gavroche: Well, I ain't gonna take any chances. Call for me when its over.  
  
Javert: When what's over?  
  
Valjean: You know, Fantine's, um, problem.  
  
Javert: I don't get it.  
  
Valjean: Uh, her menstrual cycle.  
  
Javert: ?  
  
Valjean: Her period, PMS, "on the rag" that thing. Javert: I really have no idea what you're talking about.  
  
Valjean: Didn't your parents teach you this sort of thing? You know, "the talk"  
  
Javert: My mom was a whore and my dad was in prison.  
  
Valjean: .Uh, well, that explains a lot. Well, it isn't my place to tell you, so I'll be going now.  
  
Javert: But I still don't understand what's the matter with Fantine!  
  
*** Cossette: Its okay, Mother. I'm sure that now we're both teenagers, we'll have lots of bonding time together  
  
Fantine: * sniffle* Yeah, we can "hang out" together.  
  
Cossette: And we'll forget meany-poo Valjean.  
  
Fantine: Okay dear.  
  
They both walk away, chatting happily with eachother. Meanwhile, upstairs.  
  
Enjorlas: Damn! THE AUTHOR is sure good at hiding!  
  
Feuilly: Maybe she's not in the house.  
  
Enjorlas: Then where would she be, genius?  
  
Courfeyrac: Um, sitting in front of a computer in the year controlling our every move?  
  
Enjorlas: Now where'd you get that idea?  
  
In the kitchen  
  
Thenardier: There must be something we can steal here! Eponine! Azelma! Have you searched the bedrooms?  
  
Azelma: Yes Father.  
  
Madame: Where's Eponine?  
  
Azelma: I don't know. She ran off, saying something about following a "Marius" or somat like that.  
  
Gavroche: Hey Pops! Hey Mom!  
  
Thenardier: Go away, why do always follow us!  
  
Gavroche: Um, cuz I can. And now that I'm a modern-day teenager, I command you to go buy me a car.  
  
Thernardier: With what money? I'm a teenager too, you know. And everbody knows that teenagers never have money. (Of course, once I pilfer all these stolen toasters, I'll be one of the few teenagers rolling in dough. Ha!)  
  
Gavroche: Yeah, right. I'm gonna look for 'Ponine now. See ya next reunion, Pops.  
  
In the basement  
  
Enjorlas: We still haven't found her!  
  
Grantaire: *hic  
  
Enjorlas: There is only one thing left to do!  
  
Grantaire: *hic  
  
Enjorlas: *dramatic pause  
  
Grantaire: *hic  
  
Enjorlas: We must build a barricade!  
  
Jehan: Barricades are super  
And THE AUTHOR is dumb.  
We're stuck in this fanfic  
And it sure isn't fun!  
  
Combeferre: Go freedom!  
  
Feuilly: Down with the fanfic author!  
  
Bahorel: Let's kill her!  
  
Les Amis: YEAH!  
  
The Computer Room  
  
As nobody would explain the facts of life to our dear 'Spector Javert, he was forced to turn to the Internet, or more specifically, Ask Jeeves. Q: What exactly is PMS?  
  
Jeeve's Answer:  
Its when a women bleeds all over and becomes very bitchy. Didn't your parents teach you that, stupid?  
  
Javert: 0_o  
  
Five minutes later:  
  
Ew. So that's what they call it.  
  
Five minutes after the five minutes after the site came up:  
  
Why did I have to ask? *shudder  
  
Will the Les Amis ever find/kill THE AUTHOR? Will Javert remember to arrest Valjean? Will Javert ever recover from those horribly descriptive pictures used to illustrate Jeeve's definition? Will Fantine bond with Cossette? Will the story get any more stupid? Will THE AUTHOR quit writing these questions and move on to the next chapter?  
  
And finally,  
  
Would you please review? PLEASE REVIEW! I LOVE YOU! (Um, yeah.) 


	2. The Unfortunate Continuation

Chapter 2, The Unfortunate Continuation  
  
And so our story continues.  
  
After their long and strenuous day, the cast is finally getting ready for bed. It is eleven o' clock. They are shocked to discover that, although this is a mansion, there are only two bathrooms.  
  
Cossette: Well, this works out nicely. One for the women and one for the men.  
  
Fantine: Yes, that's nice. Let's see, there are three of us, right?  
  
Eponine: Yep. Sure glad I'm not a guy.  
  
Joly: Sharing a bathroom with so many other people can hardly be hygenic!  
  
Javert: Yes, and if there's one for the men and one for the women, where's that thing going to go? *looks at Madame  
  
Madame: *growls  
I'm a woman, thank you very much!  
  
Javert: I doubt that.  
  
Madame: Shut up or I'll make it to where you'll be the one having to use the women's bathroom. I'll rip your fr-  
  
Valjean: Hush, there are children around! And the author has a rating to consider!  
  
Cosette: Dad! I'm not a child! And we're all the same age, remember?  
  
Valjean: Well, its not good for young ladies to hear that sort of language!  
  
Madame: I'm letting you off easy this time, you annoying little ba-  
  
Valjean: Ahem.  
  
Enjorlas: As I am your leader, I demand the right to take my shower first.  
  
Joly: No, I must use it before it is germed up by all of you using it!  
  
Valjean: It's okay, I can go last.  
  
Bishop: Greetings, fellow children of God.  
  
Valjean: Hey, where did you appear from?  
  
Bishop: The author is trying to put as many men as she can into the fanfic to lengthen the line for the shower.  
  
Valjean: Is that right?  
  
All of Patron-Minnette: Yep, that's right.  
  
Joly: *runs in the shower and locks the door  
HAHA. Now your germs cannot touch my body! I will take my shower while its still clean!  
  
Javert: I really hate that boy.  
  
One hour later.  
  
Enjorlas: Joly! Are you done yet?!  
  
Joly: Not quite.  
  
Javert: Valjean, break the door down.  
  
Valjean: It's not very nice to do that.and I can wait..  
  
Javert: Do it, convict.  
  
Valjean: How would you like it if someone barged into your shower?  
  
Javert: If I took as long as this kid did, I'd deserve it. Break it down!  
  
Everyone else: BREAK IT DOWN!  
  
Valjean is just going to do so when Joly opens the door.  
  
Joly: Hello everyone.  
  
Everyone: *glare  
  
Gavroche: *dancing around  
Guys, I really hafta pee. Really, really bad!  
  
Valjean: Okay, you can use the bathroom. But hurry up!  
  
Gavroche: *runs inside and locks door  
Ha ha, suckers! Now its my turn for the shower!  
  
Everyone: NO! FILTHY LITTLE GAMIN!  
  
Will all the men be able to take a shower? Will they ever realize that half of them could have used it in the morning? Will THE AUTHOR ever realize that two pages in Microsoft Word hardly constitutes a chapter? Is THE AUTHOR just an author, or is she going to be a dreaded Mary Sue? (I'M JOKING, OKAY, JUST JOKING ^_^) And finally, will THE AUTHOR realize that no one reads her stupid questions anyway?  
  
Find out in the next exciting chapter.More Stuff Happens, or Something Along Those Lines!  
  
Jehan: May the potatoes be with you, I hope you decide to review THE AUTHOR forgot to remind you of this So I guess that I had to!  
  
REVIEW PLEASE! THANKS! (I promise my next chapter will be longer but I've just contracted a horrid case of writer's block.) 


	3. More Stuff Happens or Something Along Th...

Chapter Three  
  
More Stuff Happens or Something Along Those Lines  
  
It is five o' clock in the morning. Valjean is in the shower. Everyone else is asleep. Well, almost everyone. (hasn't that intro been used by every author known to man? I feel so cliched. okay, shutting up now.)  
  
Grantaire: I feel.sober?  
  
1 minute later  
AH! I am sober!! NOOOO!  
  
*He rushes into the kitchen only to discover that: There is no absinthe There is no wine There is no whiskey There are no even remotely alcoholic beverages in the entire kitchen. There is no food in the kitchen As this is Grantaire, he ignores point E completely and focuses on the others.  
  
NO ALCOHOL! DAMN IT! NO ALCOHOL!  
  
Because the cast members are all teenagers, they all sleep through Grantaire's tortured monologue. They all get up at around ten o' clock and wander into the kitchen. Most of them are concerned about point E and the fact that Grantaire is curled up weeping on the floor.  
  
Enjorlas: You mean to say that we have no food supplies?  
  
Marius: *sits down and cries  
But what will Cossette eat?  
  
Eponine: What will Marius e- I mean what will we all eat?  
  
Valjean: If the worst comes to the worst, you can all eat me.  
  
Everyone: Ew. We're not that hungry.  
  
Javert: Thanks for that, Mr. Self-Sacrifice. *Rolls eyes  
  
Thernardier: You never know, in a few days he might start looking pretty good.  
  
*Everyone backs away slowly from Thernardier.  
  
Javert: None of us would ever eat another human. Except for your, um, "Wife."  
  
Madame: THAT'S IT! YOU ASKED FOR IT!  
  
Javert: See what I mean, its rabid!  
  
Valjean: Children, children, let's settle down. Now weren't there a few candy bars stashed in the cupboard?  
  
Eponine: There were.  
  
Valjean: Were?  
  
Cossette: Fantine needed them. She's hiding up in her room.  
  
Valjean: Couldn't she share? I mean, oh.I see. Nevermind.  
  
Javert: Come on! A PMSing woman cannot be that scary!  
  
Valjean: *gently  
Javert, have you ever attempted to argue with a woman during that time?  
  
Javert: I don't think so.  
  
Valjean: They don't listen to reason. And when they get mad, they're ten times stronger than any man on earth. And when they cry, they cry longer and louder than you would have thought humanly possible. The fact is, they're scary. Really scary. You have to give into their demands or die.  
  
AUTHOR: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW RIGHT HE IS, MY BELOVED INSPECTOR JAVERT.  
  
Javert: Oh, its YOU. One question, why didn't you give us any food?  
  
Grantaire: Or alcohol! Do you have a heart? YOU CRUEL EVIL.  
  
AUTHOR: GRANTAIRE, REMEMBER THE RATING! AND I SIMPLY FORGOT TO GIVE YOU FOOD. I'M SORRY.  
  
Valjean: So you're going to give us food, right?  
  
AUTHOR: SURE... OH, WAIT TELEPHONE! BYE!  
  
Everyone: NO!  
  
Marius: We didn't even have any dinner last night!  
  
Valjean: I'm sure we'll think of something. Can't we order a pizza?  
  
Just as Valjean says "pizza" everyone hears the wind howl outside. They look outside the window only to discover that the door is blocked by 6.357 feet of snow. More snow keeps pouring down.  
  
Javert: Um, wasn't it just ninety degrees outside about half a minute ago?  
  
Enjorlas: It must be THE AUTHOR's doing!  
  
Valjean: Now, let's not go around accusing people. Maybe the weather changes quickly around here.  
  
Everyone: *raises eyebrows  
  
Valjean: Um.very, very quickly?  
  
2 hours later. (It might be good to imagine this little sentence as a white sentence on a dark backround. And a creepy, disembodied voice reading it, like in those horror movies. Or better yet, a smurf reading it with a creepy disembodied voice. Wowzeroni, smurf.)  
  
Everyone: Must.have.food! Enjorlas: We should send someone to take the chocolate bars away from Fantine!  
  
Jehan: We should go up and ask her Cause that's only right Stealing from a PMS-ing woman is wrong (Not to mention they bite)  
  
Valjean: Jehan is right. Let's send someone up there to ask her nicely.  
  
Everyone: But who?  
  
Thernardiers: Well, she hates us.  
  
Javert: And I'm afraid she and I don't get along too well either.  
  
Valjean: Nonsense Javert! You're perfect for this job. You're respectful, determined, and don't take no for an answer. And you're the only one who does not fear the strength of a woman on the rag!  
  
Javert: Well, I suppose I could go.  
  
Everyone: GO! FOOD! NOW!  
  
Valjean: *pushes Javert out the door.  
  
Enjorlas: How can we trust that spy to do this? He isn't loyal to the people!  
  
Valjean: We don't. Javert is going to distract Fantine while Gavroche sneaks in through the window and "borrows" her stash of candy bars.  
  
Eponine: Does Javert know that he's being used as bait?  
  
Valjean: No.  
  
Marius: Will he survive?  
  
Valjean: Probably not. May God have mercy on his poor, confused, and twisted soul.  
  
Everyone: Amen.  
  
Javert knocks on Fantine's door.  
  
Fantine: Yes?  
  
Javert: Hello. Fantine: *narrows eyes. Oh, its you.  
  
Will the cast be forced to resort to cannibalism? Will THE AUTHOR ever end a chapter without her stupid question session? And where in the Almighty Potato's name did her socks get to? Can she think of any more questions to write right now? Why is she asking YOU to answer these questions? And finally, will the story ever develop a plot?  
  
Remember people,  
  
REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! 


	4. An Update? An UPDATE!

Chapter Four  
An Update! An Update!  
  
And the Great Potato spaketh to his disciple, instructing her to update her fanfic on a usual basis. But THE AUTHOR fell short of his glorious commands and many months passed after Chapter 3 was posted. And the insane people cried, "Update, damn you!" But THE AUTHOR did not update. And the few sane people of the fanfiction community gave a great cry of "YES! THAT PIECE OF CRAP IS OVER!" And the insane people cried once again, "UPDATE!" And many Easter Peeps were burned as a sacrifice to the Almighty Potato as the insane people continued to cry, "Oh, Potato! With your glorious powers make THE AUTHOR continue her fanfic!" And the Almighty Potato heard their cries and he did waketh THE AUTHOR at 3 am. "OH, MOST GLORIOUS POTATO! WHAT BRINGS YOU TO MY MOST UNWORTHY HOME?" YOU WILL UPDATE, MY CHILD. And she did turn on her computer and began to type once again...  
  
A moose: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!  
  
THE AUTHOR: YES, PEOPLE! YOU KNOW THAT A SCREAMING MOOSE CAN ONLY MEAN THAT THERE IS-  
  
Random Monks- AN UPDATE! AN UPDATE!  
  
The Cast: NOOOOOOOO!  
  
A Banana: Yeah!  
  
When we last left our darling cast, they were stranded in a snowstorm that magically sprung up at the end of the summer. Now, however, they are stranded in a snowstorm and somehow it's now March and Christmas has been tragically been skipped-  
  
Bishop: NO! Christmas is a time to celebrate the wondrous gift God has given-  
  
But strangely, the action will be continuing from where we left off. Because-  
  
AUTHOR: BECAUSE I RULE THIS FANFIC AND I CAN CHANGE THE BLOODY MONTHS IF I CHOOSE TO DO SO!  
  
You (whoever is reading this): I'm confused! Please enlighten me, most wonderful, worshipful, and perfect being!  
  
AUTHOR: REMEMBER, KEEP YOUR TRAY TABLE UP AND YOUR SEAT BACK IN THE FULL UPRIGHT POSITION! AND MASHED POTATOES CAN BE YOUR FRIENDS IF YOU ONLY DARE TO BE STUPID!  
  
And so the story continues:  
  
Fantine: I feel...happy?  
  
Javert: You do? I mean, um, that's just-  
  
Fantine: I think I no longer want this chocolate! I think I no longer need Mydol! I think something has gone terribly wrong in this fanfic! I think THE AUTHOR has run out of annoying things for me to say that begin with "I think"!  
  
Javert: What do you mean?  
  
Fantine: Listen, cop-boy, my period wasn't supposed to stop for another three days! Check the calendar-what day is today?  
  
Javert: The 25th of, of-  
  
Fantine: Of what?  
  
Javert: Of March? But yesterday was September something-or-the-other!  
  
Fantine: I'm confused. How did we jump into the new year in only about five minutes?  
  
Javert: This must be the doing of 24601! I mean, THE AUTHOR! Or maybe both of them! I shall now leave without food because I am insane and feel a horrible need to go verbally attack someone! And possibly get hit in the head with a large blunt object!  
  
Fantine: I feel strangely blonde today! Although your plan is stupid, I will go with you! Let us continue talking in odd exclamations!  
  
Javert: OK!  
  
Fantine: Let's go accuse people!  
  
The Kitchen.  
  
Grantaire: I'm still sober! NOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Eponine: Oh no! Marius, you look pale with hunger!  
  
Marius: Actually, I ran out of my shade of foundation and had to borrow some of Cossette's. And she wears Ivory #43 and I wear Nude Beige #21.  
  
Eponine: Oh. Well, it looks nice on you.  
  
Marius: Really?  
  
Gavroche: No.  
  
Eponine: (elbows Gavroche) Of course it does.  
  
Meanwhile Javert and Fantine are ruthlessly interrogating a small child who just so happens to be in the mansion. Both are still talking in exclamations due to a strange whim of THE AUTHOR that was inspired by The Voices in HER head...  
  
Javert: What is your name?!  
  
Small child: Avacado?  
  
Fantine: What is your favorite color?!  
  
Small Child: MOO!  
  
Javert: Why are you here in the mansion?!  
  
Small Child: Monkey!  
  
Fantine: What was your favorite Birthday present you got this year?!  
  
Small Child: POTATOES!  
  
Javert: Are you connected in any way with the being known as "The Author"?!  
  
Small Child: Quidam!  
  
Fantine: Does your mommy know where you are?  
  
(Yay, Fantine stopped exclaiming!)  
  
Small Child: SwatchitchaKABOONga!  
  
Somewhere outside...in the snow...Brrr...  
  
Enjolras: It's sure a long walk from Guam to Colorado! I bet a barricade couldn't even span that distance, even one made by the people.  
  
Cosette: And all the swimming! My mascara is running and I'm all pruney!  
  
Enjolras: I wonder if everybody's alright. I hope that THE AUTHOR hasn't done something to harm them. Well, maybe she could harm that spy, Javves or Joanne or whatever the hell he was called.  
  
Cosette: Javert.  
  
Enjolras: Whatever. I bet everyone will be happy to find us both alright. I know my men will. And when I arrive, we shall build a barricade to show our joy!  
  
Cosette: I can't wait to see Marius! He must have been so worried!  
  
Back inside the mansion...  
  
Enjorlas: I hope the spy gets back with the food.  
  
Gavroche: Maybe he's dead!  
  
Cossette: You can't even trust a spy to steal something for himself!  
  
Marius: Cossette, I love you!  
  
Cossette: I love you too!  
  
Valjean: Grr....  
  
Marius: I would love you even if you were only a second version of the real Cosette who has been created due to a misspelling of your name by THE AUTHOR.  
  
Back at THE AUTHOR'S office  
  
AUTHOR: NO! HOW CAN THIS BE! WHAT AM I TO DO WITH TWO VERSIONS OF ENJOLRAS AND COSETTE! I SHALL NOW QUOTE A QUOTE THAT I BELIEVE DESCRIBES MY SITUATION PERFECTLY:  
  
CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Can you believe this chapter is over already? Will the rest of the cast figure out which Enjolras is which? Will Marius end up loving Cossette more than Cosette? Will Enjolras meet Enjorlas and will Cossette meet Cosette? Shall THE AUTHOR scratch her butt, which itches terribly, or continue writing these questions? Who is the Small Child and why is she in the mansion? Could she be a Mary Sue? (NOOOOOO!!!!AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!) And finally, if the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is Forty- Two, what is the Question? 


End file.
